funny facebook statuses

The greatest achievement is to outperform your self.

I wonder how many flies have been trapped in a car, then traveled hundreds of miles, got out and thought “The f#ck..where am I?”

Don`t talk to me bout Valentines day.At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass.#Joan Rivers

What is Grammar? The difference between knowing your shit, and knowing you`re shit.

Whats the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
Ones heavy the others a little lighter.

My wife left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn`t even matter.

Me: *messages a friend at 3am*
Friend: *responds soon after*
Me: What the fuck are you doing up go to sleep

The trouble with life is there`s no background music.

mom : did you eat all the donuts
me : no
mom : why are you lying to me i can see all the powder on your pants
me : thats cocaine

I look at people sometimes and think ….. Really?? That’s the sperm that won :)