Pick a facebook status

Teacher: "Look the equation is simple I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 bottles in the other. What do I have?" Answer: Me: A Drinking problem?

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BREAKING NEWS! Dora the Explorer suffers a heart attack after discovering Google Maps!

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I`ve had better outcomes telling a cop to go fuck himself than when telling a woman to calm down.....

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A cigarette shortens your life by 2 min, a beer shortens your life by 4 minutes, a working day shortens your life by 8 hours!

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went to a pet store, me:hey! that`s nemo! worker:sweetie that`s a clown fish me: that`s nemo bitch! your dead to me.

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Normal people: Omg i cant wait for school to start so i can see all my friends again(:!!!
Me: .....Wait its already August........ fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck 0_o

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Me: breaths*
Mom: watch your damn tone!

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Truth Or Dare: Truth.... Hell no I ain`t telling you that

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Bored → Goes to kitchen → Opens fridge → Looks inside → Leaves empty handed.

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*piece of food falls on the floor* (germs) " Get it! Get it! Get it!" ( King germ) " No, we must all wait 5 seconds."

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